Foxpocalypse!

A few months back, after a few jars of the old hobo water, I staggered home in the wee small hours of the morning, suffering the textbook descriptions of drunkenness; nausea, impaired vision, delusions of a Frank Sinatra-esque swagger.

Suddenly, from behind a nearby fence, popped that auburn street menace, currently holding the nation in a state of fear- no, not Raoul Moat- it was in fact a shifty looking vulpes vulpes- or, red fox.

These bushy tailed bin raiders usually leg-it at the site of upright homo sapien. This furry lad, however, was something of a rapscallion. He leered forward aggressively, mugging me off with his exposed nashers, shooting me his best Liam Gallagher stare.

Suddenly, SW15 looked set to erupt in a blizzard of ultra-violent man-on-fox lairyness.

I put up my dukes, 1920s style, and awaited the furry bounder's next move.

The street scavenger, clearly bemused by my outmoded- but dignified- combat style, chose to avoid confrontation and scarpered-off.

The altercation was brief, but resonated enough for me to mention it to friends and family the next day.

"What if all foxes suddenly turn nasty and gang-up on us humans enmasse?" I scaremongered, coining the phrase 'Foxpocalypse' to denote a post-human society ruled entirely by these cunning carnivorous canine quadrupeds.

(Yeah, I'm running out of alternative names for 'foxes' now).

The public, by and large, mocked my paranoid ramblings - as they so often do (God I hate the public). However, following my ordeal (and it was an ordeal), fox-attacks have positively sky rocketed, leaving little doubt that the ginger menace is preparing for an elaborate coup d'etat:

Fox mauls kids
Chihuahua savaged by fox in family garden
Homophobic fox
Daylight fox lairyness
Pick on someone your own size
Oh, Ok, it did...
A healthy groundswell of fox panic- BBC fox-doc gets 4million viewers!

I was now sure the world would wise-up to the foxes' very real threat to family values and public safety. Then I came across these stats, courtesy of the Beeb:

'Foxes kill very few pets and rifle through very few dustbins, and it seems the majority of people like them. In a poll of nearly 4,000 households, 65.7% liked urban foxes, 25.8% had no strong views and only 8.5% disliked the creatures. '

A 65% support rate! - that would have easily gained a swing vote at the last election.

You see. There's no need for all this people-pestering guys! A carefully orchestrated political campaign could see our current party of fox hunters usurped by the very animal they so despise.

Faced with that choice, I know who I'd vote.