Style tips

I'm drunk and I'm issuing men's style tips. This is the situation. Too many faux pas tonight and I can no longer take it.


1. Shirts should be worn under V-necks, not round necks. Roundnecks look good with a tee shirt, or nothing underneath.

2. Navy should not clash with black. This is why cords are a good call- you can get away with various colours of cords, but not jeans- which only look good in dark blue, or black.

3. Layer. Many layers of stuff should adorn your person. Scarfs, Jumpers, wrist wear, knitwear, suit jackets etc.

4. Grey is good. An Underrated colour, dragged down unfairly by ex-PM John Major. Grey looks cool in suits. It is acceptable to wear out, and at job interviews, and it goes with pretty much any colour.

5. Avoid wankiness. Flamboyance is cool, but keep it to a minimum. A lairy shirt, for example, should be subdued by a blazer, V-neck or cardigan. Show a little lairyness, but not a lot.

6. Invest the majority of your budget in the following items- white shirt, jeans, shoes, well fitting tee shirts.

7. Keep your shirt/tee shirt a lighter colour than your cardigan, suit jacket, or tie. It really just looks wrong otherwise.

8. Match your eye-colour to your clothes.

9. Dress with irony. If you look like a toff, grunge it up a bit- see Jude Law. If you're a recovering drug addict, dress like royalty- see Keith Richards.

10. Don't spend too much on gym wear. You'll look like a try-hard. Instead, opt for Uniqlo sweat pants, American Apparel or Topman tee-shirts and New Balance trainers from TK Maxx. New Balance and Asics are the thinking man's trainers. Functional, but not exorbitantly priced.

11. Avoid Chavvy stores and keep it basic. The following high street shops, in order of price range, are advisable: Uniqlo, Topman, American Apparel, Banana Republic, Full Circle, Levis, Reiss, Tommy Hilfiger, Diesel, Paul Smith, Ralph Lauren, Christian Dior.

12. Dress predominantly in one colour. It makes you look taller and slimmer.

13. Avoid logos. Style should speak for itself. (Small logos- like the polo horse and crocodile are borderline acceptable, I guess.)

14. Find a store that sells clothes that suit your shape.

15. Model yourself on guys with timeless style- Frank Sinatra, Steve McQueen, The Beatles (late years), The Strokes (early years), Interpol, Carey Grant, Andre 3000...

16. Don't emulate gangsters or douche bags. Leave bling, graffiti stylings, ripped tailoring and too much hair product to Italian American stereotypes and Persians.

17. You are not square shapped. So don't wear clothes that make you look rectangular or in any way boxey.

18. Feck, I'm up to 18. I really must be drunk... I dunno, my main advice is avoid simple carbs (rice, pasta, bread, sugar)- they're the only thing that actually makes you store fat as fat. I.e, you can eat excess amounts of protein, good fats and complex carbs and stay slim. However, if you eat less, but it consists of simple carbs you'll still look like the Pilsbury dough boy.

19. Loosen up. Ladies can sense an uptight chump at 1,000 paces.